feminine-genius

Pascal for Parents

Blaise Pascal (1623-1662) was a brilliant French philosopher and mathematician who offered a suggestion to those who struggled with faith. Since reason cannot be trusted and faith cannot be proven, there is a choice: to believe or not to believe. Weighing the cost of being wrong in either choice, he argued that it is far safer to believe (and enter oblivion after death) than to reject God (and risk eternal damnation). Furthermore, living as though one believed is a gesture that cannot go unnoticed by God, who will surely provide the grace of sincerity in due time.

This concept came to mind as I considered how difficult it is to teach our children to prioritize virtue and the sacramental life. It has ever been thus, as the familiar story of Saint Monica reminds us, but today's saint inspired me to twist Pascal’s “wager” into a slightly different form.   

In reading about today's saint, Basil (330-379), I learned that his mother raised three children honored by the Church: Basil the Great, Gregory of Nyssa and their sister, Saint Macrina; two other brothers were bishops. His grandfather was martyred for the faith, and both parents were known for their piety.  Nevertheless, Basil writes of his early life:

Much time had I spent in vanity, and had wasted nearly all my youth acquiring the sort of wisdom made foolish by God. Then once, like a man roused from deep sleep, I turned my eyes to the marvelous light of the truth of the Gospel, and I perceived the uselessness of ‘the wisdom of the princes of this world, that come to naught.’ I wept many tears over my miserable life, and I prayed that I might receive guidance to admit me to the doctrines of true religion.

Think for a moment of how rich their family life must have been, and how many times young Basil had heard accounts of persecution and courage. Surely he was offered excellent moral formation and enthusiastic catechesis—and yet he still proved vain and foolish for a time.

This brings me to my variation on Pascal, which may help parents find peace in this new year. Either God exists or he doesn’t. If he does—as witnessed by the resurrection of Our Lord—then he loves your children dearly, is intimately familiar with their inner journey, and passionately wants them to be with him for eternity. Moreover, our omniscient and omnipotent God offers abundant graces specifically to make this happen—but do we really believe that? Do we pray as if we believe that?

Conversely, if God doesn’t exist, then all that we’ve been trying to teach our children is virtually useless (other than the earthly benefits that some moral guidelines provide).

Basil said that his eyes were opened one day when read the Gospel—but surely he had beeen familiar with the Gospel message since infancy. What must have transpired upon that particular reading of Scriptures was that “in the fullness of time,” he embraced the graces won by Christ (and for which his extended family, living and dead, must have begged).

When considering many conversion stories, one is baffled by what exactly supplies the critical piece for a soul—the “aha moment!” as it were. For some it may be a passage in a book, for others it’s a seemingly inconsequential passing comment, for others it may be a particularly scenic view. Rather than seeking “a silver bullet” (as so many parents do, accompanied by handwringing, tears and anxiety—revealing our lack of faith) perhaps we should embark on a year of trust, for the graces are there. Without a doubt, peaceful parents who pray and sacrifice with confidence are placing the surest bet of all. In the words of Padre Pio, “Pray, hope and don’t worry.”

Sts. Joachim and Anne, A Family Prayer

Lord Jesus, through the intercession of Your Blessed
Mother Mary and Good St. Joseph we ask You to bless,
protect and guide our family. Humbly we approach Your
Eucharistic throne of grace and pray that You mold us into a
Holy Family.  By the power of the Holy Spirit please help us
to do the will of Our Heavenly Father, during our earthly
sojourn, for Your honor and glory and the salvation of souls. 
Help us to lead others to You in the Most Blessed
Sacrament.  At the end of our journey please gather us
together, again, that we may be a family in Your heavenly
paradise and with the angels and saints sing Your praises
for eternity.

(From the book Family Hours of Adoration)

Interesting study on obesity

If you think about it, there are abundant contributing factors to weight problems, from genetics to behaviour, but this is an interesting study.

An Australian study has found that girls in single-parent families are more at risk of obesity than children in two-parent families. “This fits with recent research findings from the United States showing that children in single-parent households are at a higher risk of becoming overweight or obese than those from households with two parents,” says the author, Linda Byrne.

One must also factor in mild depression and stress, which lead to eating disorders in some, though I find this intriguing: women in lower income neighbourhoods are simply afraid to let their daughters out to play. There would be few organised sports, no dad to take them out for walks or other physical activities, mum is stressed and tired, and what's left but screens and food?

I like Ms Byrne's sensitivity over the mothers' predicament, for blaming isn't helpful. Whenever we see such things manifest in our children, we are eaten with guilt. This is simply another indicator of the harms of broken families, but not a reason to point fingers. Children need two parents for a variety of reasons, but for those who are anguished over the absence of a parent, take comfort:

Children of Zion, delight and rejoice in the LORD, your God!For he has faithfully given you the early rain, sending rain down on you, the early and the late rains as before. The threshing floors will be full of grain, the vats spilling over with new wine and oil. I will repay you double what the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the consuming locust, and the cutter, my great army I sent against you (Joel 2: 23-25).

The years of loss and neglect -- the years destroyed by locusts -- will be restored, and the wounds will be bound and healed. All things are possible with our God, who is faithful to his promises.

Who's your daddy?

London, England has been subject to mob violence for four nights now, during which stores are looted, restaurant patrons are humiliated and robbed, buildings are torched and bystanders are assaulted. Melanie Phillips, a veteran columnist in England has been following the riots, and will say what needs to be said. Having listened to the latest news/reports (which pass as bewildered and empathetic profiles of savage "protesters") she summarises:

Some of the rioters and looters are as young as eight or nine. I then listened to a spokesman for Manchester city council appealing to parents to ensure that their children are not on the streets tonight. Why can't people see what is staring us all in the face? We are not up against merely feral children. We are up against feral parents. Of course the parents know their children are out on the streets. Of course they see them staggering back with what they have looted. But either they are too drunk or drugged or otherwise out of it to care, or they are helping themselves to the proceeds too.

 

The parents are the problem; as are, almost certainly, their parents and their parents too. Not that any of them necessarily even know who their parents, in the plural, are. For the single most crucial factor behind all this mayhem, behind the total breakdown of any control or self-control amongst the rampaging gangs of children and teenagers who are rioting, burning, robbing, stealing, attacking and murdering, is the willed removal of the most important thing that socialises children and turns them from feral savages into civilised citizens: a fully committed, hands-on, there-every-day father.

 

As I have been writing for more than twenty years, a society that embraces mass fatherlessness is a society that is going off the edge of a cliff. There are whole areas of Britain where committed fathers are a wholly unknown phenomenon; where serial generations are being brought up only by mothers, through whose houses pass transitory males by whom these girls and women have yet more children, and whose own daughters inevitably repeat the pattern of lone and utterly dysfunctional parenting. 

There are pockets of this in the US. Take a moment to consider the "culture" we've offered so many of our youngsters, created by the music industry, Hollywood, video games and decades of "values clarification" in the classroom--all of which either glorify or shrug over promiscuity, violence and myriad vices. We may be paying our own piper soon enough.

 

 

ADDENDUM: another good commentary along the same lines --

The riots were like a video game that had kicked its way out of the Xbox and kept on playing because no adult could find the remote control to make it stop... Forget serious protests about education cuts, the little blighters were clearly having a lovely time, high on excitement and cruelty. It was Lord of the Flies dressed by Adidas.

 

Young people in Egypt and Syria riot in the streets for freedom and hope, precious intangibles for which they were prepared to risk their own lives. English youths riot for the inalienable right to have £150 trainers and a flat-screen telly. Material things for which they were happy to risk the lives of others.

 

There’s no use blaming the police; it’s the parents, stupid. A report by the Centre for Social Justice found that the UK excels in the three D’s of family breakdown – divorce, dysfunction and dadlessness. Of the 805 violent looters arrested, how many come from homes without a father? I reckon we can guess the answer. A study back in 2001 found that 85 per cent of Indian families were headed by a married couple while 50-60 per cent of black families were headed by a lone parent, usually the mother. Is there anyone who still believes there is no link between that agonising statistic and the young males running amok on our streets?

Touching Corapi Appeal

Although I have nothing unique to add to the Corapi Controversy, I found this YouTube video fascinating, and it took some thought to figure out why. [For those who don't want to take the time, it films the heartfelt pleas of four men, fervently begging Fr Corapi to maintain and prioritise his priestly stature.] Eventually, I deduced the reasons it was so intriguing:

• The first is the very male admonition to 'man up.' while I find this sort of talk regularly on the military blogs I follow, it was refreshing to hear it in a Christian sense. If vows mean something, then abandoning them also means something. I wonder how many more men in our pews would take their faith seriously with language more suited to their way of life. 
• This leads to another refreshing point: Fr Corapi convinced them to man up to their own responsibilities, and now they're returning the favour. Previously, they were the ones failing (as they humbly recount); now they've regained their footing and find it only natural to turn around to urge him during his rough patch. It's like a foxhole, where each soldier may go batty for a moment, and the rest pull him back into shape, knowing they'll all need help at one point or another.
• Finally, on a personal note, I realise I've been 12-stepping it for so long that I've not offered unsolicited personal advice for years. And yet, theirs is deeply touching, incredibly straightforward, and carries tremendous weight. While I hold firm opinions on many things (most?) I'm a firm believer in free will, and know that prayer works more than words in most instances. (This may seem to feed into the collective shrug offered by our culture, which refuses to believe that there is a universal truth, it is clearly distinct--and those familiar with the program understand why.)

I really hope this 15-minute clip gets the audience it deserves--and by that I mean all priests who need to know how to minister to men. They obviously appreciate a firm word, black and white options, and brick walls when necessary. Their admirable words are no doubt backed up with prayer and sacrifice, and thus I bless them for their effort!

Mother as the bridge to fatherhood

 

I had a good cry this morning, watching the video above. It touched nerves on many levels, the first being that I was once a Navy wife awaiting the return of my own beloved. While it was always difficult, it was obviously more challenging when I wasn't waiting alone, but responsible for children who were also missing The Man. The solitary wife can fall into moods, grumble, distract herself and do a variety of things to while away the months until the warrior returns, but when little ones are present, those indulgences evaporate. That's when some semblance of a schedule must be maintained, good cheer is essential (at least til they fall asleep) and a daily chit-chat about the missing family member must continue. As important as fathers are, the children grow hazy on the details, and the gap has a tendency to close around who he was and what he did with the family.

This is the job of the mother -- to keep dad alive and predominant in the hearts and minds of the children, no matter how much it hurts sometimes. She tells stories, revisits memories, explains who he is, and most importantly, provides constant reminders of his passionate love for his children. This happens at the breakfast table, in the car, while pushing the swings, while singing lullabies, amidst putting away groceries and when tucking the children in at night.

I realise it's a little different now, with skype, youtube and emails (no more hanging about the mailbox as the only point of contact) but children still drift. The children in the video above aren't thrilled because it's the guy they saw on the computer screen, but because some lonely mother kept his love alive in their family circle until he could return to embrace them once again. She kept the torch burning and maintained his place in relation to his children until he could prove his affections in person.

The daughters' signs of joy were especially poignant as each was swept off her feet by her own shining knight. No matter the age, the gawkiness, the distractions of the moment -- daddy was home to find his little princess. The sons' hugs spoke to me of a mixture of vulnerability (gosh, I'm glad!) and relief (no more being the little man for the family!)

I think every wife and mother could ponder what helped these families endure the distance and what we can incorporate into our own family circle. Obviously the wider community offers tremendous support that wasn't necessarily there decades ago (there were many families in my town who lost fathers for years in Vietnamese prison camps with little civic acknowledgement or assistance) but even in the civilian world we can do more to build support for fathers.

Mothers are extraordinarily resiliant and can keep the home fires burning, but she cannot replace the father. What she can do is be an effective bridge to fatherhood, and she does that best if she knows how important, how irreplacable he really is.

Swerving into politics

I've long nursed a pet theory about the political landscape in America and a recent alignment of the stars gave me a chance to vent it in a completely secular arena. For those who understand the faith, just extend the argument I outlined to those in the Church working at warp speed to deconstruct the hierarchy and the doctrine entrusted to it. The problem with any sort of father-issues is that they cloud the image of our dear Father-God reaching out to His children. He would be the ultimate enemy of those highlighted in the article. It's all of a piece.

UPDATE: Just in from NARTH --

The National Longitudinal Lesbian Family Study (NLLFS) published byAmerican Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) offers the following conclusion: "Adolescents who have been reared in lesbian-mother families since birth demonstrate healthy psychological adjustment (p. 28)."

 

Authors Gartrell and Bos generalize their findings to the lesbian population at large, claiming their research offers "implications for --same-sex parenting" (p. 28). Making an enormous scientific leap, they conclude that their study provides scientific proof that there is "no justification for restricting access to reproductive technologies or child custody on the basis of the sexual orientation of the parents" (p. 34-35).

 

Implied, though not stated, is the notion that fathers are not necessary or important for the healthy development of children. This implication is a throwback to an article published in the American Psychologist in 1999 titled "Deconstructing the Essential Father." Like the authors of the American Psychologist article, Gartrell and Bos are on record as activists seeking public support for homosexual parenting.

 

However, a cursory review of this study (funded by the Gill Foundation and the Lesbian Health Fund of the Gay, Lesbian Medical Association) demonstrates significant flaws that most first-year graduate students would quickly recognize.  Any reasonable observer would easily conclude that the authors overstated their findings and that in this instance, whatever external review process was utilized, was inadequate. Consider the following:

 

1. The problems inherent in any self-report study.  The lesbian mothers' own reports that their children were well-adjusted were accepted by the study's authors uncritically. The authors should have clarified the limitation and usefulness of such qualitative, self-reported data in light of the fact that the lesbian parents knew that the study would be used to further their political cause; in contrast, the control group had no idea how their reports would be used. In addition, most mothers, lesbian or not, would likely report their children's adjustment in a favorable light. Outside observers such as the child's teachers or counselors, if consulted, could have offered a different perspective.

 

2. The lesbian parents were hardly typical parents: 93% were Caucasian. Most were college-educated (67%). Most were middle/upper class (82%). Eighty-five per cent were in professional or managerial roles. The control sample, however, had significantly more minorities; many more children from the South; they were very different in race composition and socioeconomic status; and the educational level of these mothers was unclear. A statistical adjustment for these differences could have been easily addressed.  Had these differences been controlled, they might have been reduced, been proven negligible, or perhaps reversed.

 

3. The sample was far from random.  Participants were recruited from gay and lesbian venues (i.e., lesbian pride events and lesbian newspapers in three major metropolitan areas--Boston, Washington. D.C. and San Francisco).  Although the authors acknowledge the non-randomness of their subject pool and the potential problems this situation could pose, this limitation did not seem to limit their conclusions. As a result, a very strong case could be made for selection bias having invalidated the findings.

 

Despite the obvious study flaws, the authors offer the following generalization:  "The NLLFS adolescents are well-adjusted, demonstrating more competencies and fewer behavioral problems than their peers in the normative American population (p.34)."

 

Notably absent was data about the sexual orientation of the adolescents or the preferences or expectations for the adolescents' sexual orientation (some of this data was, in fact, collected for the 10-year study). Was this data collected and simply dismissed?

[I'm waiting for them to put up a dedicated link to this article, which was written by A. Dean Byrd]

A bundle of excuses

This man describes what he calls his "fall from grace:"

If you had said to me then that in a year's time I would be departing our impressive London home for a bedsit nearby, my marriage in ruins, I would have stared at you in disbelief. And now here I am, aged 44, out on my tod on Sunday February 14 2010, banished from my home, wifeless, making bleary-eyed contact with a dad tending to his two year-old at the next table while his partner bottle-feeds her infant brother. I feel a mixture of sadness, envy, embarrassment and utter remorse. It is all my fault.

My happiness that St Valentine's Day last year camouflaged a problem. I had begun an affair with another woman. It began as innocent flirting in the school playground, which evolved into popping around to her place for morning coffee.

He agrees that he was guilty of lust, but the analysis of what women's success in the workplace is very interesting.

There is a cultural revolution going on here. A generation of women have emerged who are not only brilliant at work but also run their homes in the same utterly efficient way that they run their businesses. The staff (husband/nanny) are given tasks they are expected to perform and their execution is constantly assessed. Men haven't adjusted to this change. They are not used to being monitored in the home, which was once a place where they could do what they wanted. They are in a sort of cultural limbo where they have relinquished one role (being the sole provider) but haven't properly replaced it with anything else. Work defines us. When men were dominant at work and at home, women found themselves having to kowtow to them and their self-esteem was slowly eroded. In many families the boot is now on the other foot.

He almost allows this to be an excuse for his bad behaviour (there is none) but he steps away from that conclusion. It did give a glimpse into a man's mind about shared parental responsibilities, but showed more than anything how little graciousness and good will there was about each little action for others. 

While he admits to his wife's utter humiliation by his affair, he misses completely (or ignores) what it does to his children beyond complicating their child care.

Rearing children is a bit like a round of golf. Lots of irritation and scuffling about in the rough, all the mess, constant disruption and the tantrums. But one drive down the middle – a cherubic face, a funny observation in the dentist's waiting room, a tickling session at bedtime – make it all compelling. It's far deeper and more fulfilling than the brief thrill from illicit passion. I knew that before. Now I really feel it.

He said it wasn't worth it, and perhaps it will stand as a cautionary tale. I imagine he'll be sowing this whirlwind for the rest of his life -- as will the poor children. 

Fatherly parallels

I have a piece at Pewsitter on the scandals and health care.

For all the great good of a hospital--for all the successful surgeries, for all the anxious mothers hoping for safe deliveries, for all the indigent sick who find the attention they so desperately need--what good is it if in the back rooms some babies are destroyed, or palliative care is denied to those considered not worthy of the expense? Aren't the benefits to the larger community compelling enough that we can turn a blind eye to those things that some find ethically problematic?

Sometimes I operate in a fog, and then something will pop out in 3-D. I do hope you're praying intensely for the Holy Father. What a Lent for everyone.

No fault, no sweat

This is a weeper, but should come as no surprise to marriage advocates whose driving concern is the welfare of children:

Nearly 10 percent of children from broken families say the process has left them suicidal, according to a new UK study. Other children from such families say they later sought solace in drink and drugs or turned to crime. The survey, by the London law firm Mishcon de Reya, also revealed that one in three children whose parents separated or divorced over the last 20 years said they had lost contact permanently with their father.

In addition, the study found that tens of thousands of children in the UK lose contact with their fathers every year because of a “failing” family court system and disastrous custody arrangements. Children involved in divorces complained of feeling “isolated” and “used”, and parents admitted having used children as “bargaining tools” against each other. Lawyers stated that the study showed that the court system itself was making family break-up more acrimonious with children used as "pawns”.

Kindly remember that these statistics are probably not accurate. Children look around them and see that divorce is part of the "normal" landscape, they are constantly told that there are "all kinds of families," and they have even been told that divorce would make their lives better (no more fights at home, etc.). Thus, the number of children who can actually pin their problems on divorce are fewer than the larger number who haven't connected the dots.

The conflagration of suffering was insultingly called the Children's Act twenty years ago, and now we see the results. It took the knife that was already injuring childhood (adultery, pornography, abandonment, teen pregnancies, and rocky marriages) and twisted it -- saying "no fault" divorces would limit the acrimony. Everyone could move forward as friends, the children would experience less trauma.

“The adversarial nature of the system invites people to come and use the courts system as a punch up and the children get used as pawns”, noted Sandra Davis, head of family law at Mishcon de Reya. “It polarises parents and it puts children in the middle of the antagonism”.

The report confirms findings from two major reports published last year, which also highlighted the damage that divorce does to children. The National Child Development Study concluded that divorce has “repercussions that reverberate through childhood and into adulthood”, and a report by the Good Childhood Inquiry warned that family breakdown was a major cause of harm to children’s mental health. A later survey of under-10s found that if they ruled the world, the first law they would enact would be a ban on divorce.

As I said, a weeper. Don't insult children with these insufferable word games. They know love -- and they know what hurts. Divorce can be deadly.

Two fathers, three fine women

I think these two stories mesh well, and show both the complementarity in vocations and the gratitude that men have for the unexpected gifts that the women in their lives offer.

First, how lovely to hear about the "feminine genius" in Father Zuhlsdorf's dear mother. 

Coming home one evening at suppertime, ready to dig into the kitchen and make something to eat for us, I arrived at the door and was greeted with wondrous fragrances.The table was set and there was great golden brown bird and dishes with delights.

That it was Thanksgiving struck me like thunder.

Not your ordinary midwestern repast, but you must read the piece for the full effect. Secondly, a father discovers that his plans for his daughters differ somewhat from God's plans.

My little girl, now twenty-nine, lies prostrate while a priest intones the litany of the saints, calling each to witness and help her fulfill her vow—the Virgin Mary, St. Peter, St. Paul, St. Thomas Aquinas, Padre Pio, Elizabeth Ann Seton, the angels, one by one, St. Teresa, St. Joseph, St. Francis, a divine roll call. Crowned with a wreath of flowers, she completes the mystical marriage by taking a ring on her right hand—my father’s wedding ring. My mother, kneeling behind me, weeps for joy to see their marital love thus renewed. At times it seems the thousand others in the grand cathedral fade away and there is no one else there but my daughters.

It is in giving that we receive, and it letting go that we find God's will. Thank you, Lord, for those in our lives whose total embrace of their vocation enhances our own. Happy Thanksgiving to all.